


The Course of True Love Never Did Run Smooth

by emperorpenguin (dortmundbvbbabe)



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, M/M, break-up and make-up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-21
Updated: 2018-02-21
Packaged: 2019-03-22 07:06:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13758852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dortmundbvbbabe/pseuds/emperorpenguin
Summary: The thing is it's so easy for Nico to be a good person, it almost seems effortless. Nolan tries to be a good person and of the time he succeeds, but there is still a part of him, the ugly part that is jealous and envious of his boyfriend's success. The rivalry and the jeers of the first game between the Devils and the Flyers gets to Nolan and he realizes that he can't do it anymore. He's jealous and envious and Nico deserves better. But even months later, he's not over Nico, not even the slightest.





	The Course of True Love Never Did Run Smooth

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dannybsdadbod](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dannybsdadbod/gifts).



> For dannybsdadbod. Thanks so much for being on this ship with me and for sharing headcanons with each other. This HC actually made it into a fic!

Being with Nico was easy. Despite the stress of the draft, it was so easy for Nolan to be with Nico and to fall in love with him. It was almost instantaneous that Nolan knew there was  _ something _ from that first time they met, Nico was magnetic drawing everybody in and yet making them feel so special. He made Nolan feel like he was the only person in the room even when they were surrounded by interviewers and other draftees. Getting together was almost a seamless transition from their friendship. Rooming together had ended with them kissing each other as they took off their jackets from a day spent catering to the media. Nico had looked at him, a little unsure with the question that they both seemed to have on their minds if they could be together, if they could be more than friends, but as if answering the question for them both, Nico crossed the room and gently kissed Nolan. In that moment, they were both so happy. The best thing about being drafted was being called to all these events where they’d see each other. At their age, the thought of having a long-distance relationship spanning almost all of Canada, but the various weekend events leading up to the combine made the distance seem so much smaller. 

The problem was, Nolan was continually dogged with comparisons and questions about the draft pitting him and Nico against each other. He didn’t want to be mean, he supported Nico and he was so proud of him and his accomplishments, but he had worked his entire career to be drafted first. Nico just came out of nowhere, and Nolan was so happy he was here, but he hadn’t had the injuries or the pressure that Nolan had had. Nolan was expected to go first, he expected himself to go first. It wasn’t fair that his last years in juniors had been plagued by injuries. It wasn’t fair that his hernia was causing so much discussion about his longevity in the NHL. And it certainly wasn’t fair when Nico’s name was called first in the draft.  Nolan’s heart sank, but he suppressed those feelings and reached out to hug Nico. It was his boyfriend going first, Nolan should have felt so happy and so proud, but the disappointment of the Devils’ rejection settled in his stomach and turned bitter and acrid. He pasted a smile on his face when his name was called as the second overall draft pick and he pulled on the Flyers jersey on top of his shirt.

They were hustled through the media, but in the limited privacy of a hallway, Nico pulled Nolan in for a hug. From an outside perspective, it would look like two friends congratulating each other on being drafted, but Nico nearly buried his face into Nolan’s shoulder. 

“It should have been you,” Nico whispered. 

A part of Nolan, the ugly side, wanted to agree but instead, he whispered, “I’m so, so proud of you. Congratulations.”

They didn’t get to say much else to each other but there was going to be time for that later in the privacy of their hotel room that they were sharing with each other. 

  


The excitement of being drafted carried them through the summer. Nolan spent the majority of it recovering from his surgery while Nico became the golden boy of New Jersey. Perhaps the extra free time made it worse because every time that Nolan saw an article about Nico being drafted first, or  _ worse _ that Nico was the right pick and all Nolan could think was  _ mine _ . Then he started his season and they continued to talk, but less frequently, and then Nolan was slammed into the boards. Not even a full month into his professional debut and he was sidelined with a concussion. It wasn’t fair. Nico sent flowers and texted him almost every day even though he knew Nolan might not feel up to responding. It was times like those that Nolan wondered how he could possibly deserve Nico.

  


And then they met for the first time as rivals. It was the much anticipated and overly-hyped game that everybody seemed to have been waiting for. #1 vs. #2. Nico had sent Nolan messages the entire week leading up. He was so excited to see Nolan in person again. He was so glad that Nolan was feeling better. He couldn’t wait to show Nolan this new restaurant that some of the vets had taken him to. And Nolan was excited as well, but in the back of his mind, above being excited to see Nico he was determined to prove the Devils wrong. He didn’t.

  


He was used to blocking out the crowd. He’d done it before in Brandon and in Philly, it was part of being a pro. But here in Newark, the incessant “Nico’s better” cut into him. It was the angry thought that he’d had for himself but hearing someone else say it aloud made his fears and insecurities realized. He could no longer pretend that it was just him being too hard on himself or some stupid opinions that bloggers had. It was the opinion of a whole stadium and he couldn’t help but wonder, if he had been chosen first, if they would be replacing Nico’s name with his own. He took penalty after penalty and they were dumb. Each time he was sent to the box the crowd just seemed to get louder and without the rhythm of the game in play he was forced to listen. By some miracle, the Flyers won, but Nolan didn’t feel like it was a win. The acidic sting of rejection, the same one he’d buried at the draft, resurrected itself in an ugly way. 

Nico pulled him aside in the back and they both felt the prying eyes of the media on them, trying to document their first interaction as rivals. 

“Congrats on the win,” Nico said with a genuine smile. It made it worse because Nico was truly happy for him even at the cost of his own team’s loss. 

“I had a bad game,” Nolan shrugged.

“It wasn’t that bad,” Nico tried to reassure his boyfriend, even though the words sounded hollow to them both, “You still won. You know, what they said, it’s not true. I know it’s not true.”

And Nolan wished that that was enough. He wished that the confidence that Nico and his parents and teammates had in him was enough, but he cared too much. 

Nico leaned in closer, “Come back to my place, I have a surprise that I think will cheer you up.”

  


They left separately with Nolan taking a taxi over to Nico’s place. For the time being, he was sharing but had made arrangements to have the place all to himself for the evening. Nico was waiting for him in the doorway to his apartment with the same look on his face that he had had all those months ago when he first kissed Nolan. It had seemed so much easier then. After shutting the door behind them, Nico pulled him close ready to strip him out of his suit. “I’ve been waiting for this for so long,” Nico said as he kissed Nolan. He gently pulled off his navy suit coat and examined Nolan with such warm, fond eyes. Once again, Nolan wondered what he did to deserve Nico, but this time he had an answer.  

He didn’t deserve Nico. Nico was too good for him. Nico  _ was _ better. 

“Stop, stop,” Nolan said and gently pushed Nico away from him. He looked at him patiently and curiously and Nolan didn’t dare to meet Nico’s gaze. “This isn’t working, I’m sorry.”

“What?” Nico asked.

“I’m sorry, I really wanted this to work, but we’re nineteen years old, even though we’re just an hour and a half apart, it feels like we’re long distance sometimes. Most of the time we’re not even in the same time zone. We spent more time together during the combine than we have ever since and it’s just not fair to either of us.”

“How long have you been thinking about this?” Nico asked, his voice shrinking as the conversation continued. 

“A while,” Nolan said. 

“Can’t we try, I mean, I didn’t even realize this was a problem. Can’t we try and make changes and prioritize each other more?” Nico asked fighting for their relationship.

So much of Nolan’s resolved crumbled at the desperation in Nico’s voice. What he had said was the truth, the distance and limited time spent together had strained their relationship, but he couldn’t tell Nico the whole truth. He couldn’t say that even months after the draft, he still thought he should have gone first. He couldn’t say that the opinions of random strangers mattered as much as the people he loved. All he could say was that the distance and the timing was taking its toll.

Nico swallowed thickly, “If that’s what you really want, I mean I respect it, I guess. It’s not what I want, but all I’ve really ever wanted was for you to be happy.”

Nico’s words sliced. That was the problem. Nico was so kind and good and selfless and he put Nolan’s happiness above all else. It didn’t come naturally to Nolan. 

“We’ll still be friends, though, okay,” Nolan promised. 

“Yeah, of course,” Nico said with the media-approved smile that was so foreign to Nolan. 

“I’m sorry about tonight,” Nolan said and he meant it for so many reasons. 

“It’s okay,” Nico said. 

Nolan wasn’t sure if it was okay, but he needed to remember this so he pulled Nico tightly to him and pressed a kiss in his hair.  _ I’m so sorry I wasn’t good enough _ , he thought. He tried to memorize what Nico felt like before he pulled away.

“I’ll see you in Philly then, okay.”

“Yeah,” Nico said as he watched Nolan enter the elevator and head back to his team.

  


They were both able to keep their promise to remain friends. Nolan tested the waters by sending Nico a video of Jake at karaoke just to see if Nico would reply and he did. When the Devils came to Philly, Nico greeted Nolan in the same way he’d seen him greet other friends and they chatted for a little while about dumb, unimportant things. Nevertheless, it was reminiscent of those first days after they’d met each other. They’d barely been friends before being boyfriends and there was some security in the feeling even though Nolan still  _ missed _ Nico. The worst part was, he found himself spending too much time on Nico’s Instagram sifting through his newest photos and likes trying to see if Nico was dating anybody or even interested. He knew he had no right to. He was the one who had broken things off with Nico, he didn’t have any right to care if Nico was with someone else. But that selfish part, the one that always seemed to resurrect itself when it came to things with Nico, still wanted Nico to like him. 

  


They settled into a new normal. They didn’t text each other as much as usual and only called about once a month, but the acute pain that Nolan had felt when he broke up with Nico had lessened. It had helped to be embraced by his team. He had known Ivan before, but for the first several weeks, especially because of his hernia and concussion, he felt like a new kid at school. It was easier now that he was rooming with TK. In so many ways, TK reminded him of Nico. They both had the same magnetic energy that people just seemed to gravitate towards and like with Nico, being friends with TK was just so easy. They were asked about it a few times too, which Nolan found amusing. TK was a popular roommate on the road and though he and Nolan had shared several times, TK was split between Sanheim, Weal, and Ivan as well. It was good in Philly. Not great, but it was still really good. 

  


Leading up to Valentine’s Day wasn’t great, mostly because Nolan wasn’t able to avoid questions about his relationship and plans and he had to confront  _ why  _ he was single for Valentine’s Day. Just to make things worse, the Devils were scheduled to play the Flyers at home on the 13th. “Any lucky ladies in your life?” Andrea Helfrich had asked. 

It took all of Nolan’s willpower not to roll his eyes, “Nope, just spending Valentine’s Day alone this year.” Nolan didn’t allow himself to think about how he would have celebrated had he still been with Nico.

Against his better judgement, or maybe because he was just feeling sentimental, he invited Nico back to his place after the game. For a moment, it looked like Nico was going to say no, but instead he handed his gear off to a teammate and promised to meet them back at the hotel. 

Most of the ride was spent in silence as Nolan drove expertly through the Philly streets to his home. He made some small talk as he welcomed Nico into his apartment, grabbing a Gatorade to recover from the game. It was clear that Nico was wondering what he was doing here, but was too polite to ask outright. 

In a not so subtle shift in topics and because Nolan seemed determined to make himself unhappy, he asked, “So, uh, any fun plans for Valentine’s Day?” 

Nico sighed, “There’s really only one person I wanted to celebrate it with.” Nico wasn’t looking at him, but Nolan knew who he was talking about and his voice caught in his throat. It should have been as simple as it was in the beginning. They both wanted to be together and that should have been it, but it wasn’t so simple. 

“Me too,” Nolan said. 

“Why did we break up?” Nico asked point blank.

Nolan just swallowed, “Because you’re too good for me.”

Nico just scoffed. 

“No, really. Because when you got drafted first it really fucked me up. And I knew that I should be happy for you, and a part of me was so, so proud… but there was a part of me that thought it should be mine and the worst part of it was that if the roles were reversed, I knew that you would truly be happy for me.”

Nico just kind of looks stunned, “I didn’t know.”

“I know. I tried as hard to keep it from you because this is my shit, not yours.”

“But I was your boyfriend, you should have been able to tell me these things.”

“It wasn’t on you. But that game… they kept saying ‘Nico’s better…’”

“It’s not true… you know that,” Nico said.

“They’re not wrong though, not just about hockey, you’re a better person, too. And it just resurrected all those feelings from the summer and it wasn’t fair to you. I still love you, though, it was never about you.”

Nico swallowed and Nolan could see the thought process and Nico tried to digest all the new information.

“So we both love each other, but can’t be together,” Nico said. “Why?”  
“Because I’m jealous, because at times I find myself resenting you for no other reason than you being a rival.”

“But these are things that we can work on. It doesn’t make you bad, it makes you human. Don’t you think that I get jealous? I read some stupid article about you and Konecny rooming together and I couldn’t help but wonder if you were together, if he made you happier than I ever did. Everybody gets jealous of something, but we can’t work on it if you don’t talk to me.”  
“I don’t want you to hate me,” Nolan said hating the way his voice quivered. 

“No matter what happens to us, I could never hate you,” Nico said. “We’ll work on it, just please let me in.”

Nolan didn’t respond but he held Nico tight. It felt like so long ago that he had had the privilege of doing that, but in this moment, it felt perfect. 

  


They were both eliminated before the final round of the playoffs with enough time to go on a nice vacation before the NHL Awards in June. Both Nico and Nolan were nominated for the Calder, and in the back of their minds, they both wondered if it would put a strain on their relationship in the same way that the draft had. During the ceremony, they couldn’t sit together but they were close enough and in the back of Nolan’s mind he knew that Nico’s name would be called, but a part of him still held out hope. The envelope was opened, “And the Calder Cup goes to … Nico Hischier.” There was a twang of disappointment before Nolan saw Nico look over at him to gauge his reaction. Nolan was the first hug after his parents and he whispered, “I’m so proud of you,” surprising himself even at how true it was. Nico pulled back to look at him and realized it was true. Nothing was better than the grin that spread across his face as he went to collect the award. 

  


“Uh… wow, thanks. I’m forgetting all my English now…Obviously I want to thank my parents, the entire New Jersey Devils organization, my linemates Taylor Hall and Jesper Bratt. And, uh, the other nominees. Nolan, you and I have been on this journey together since day one, and uh, you make me a better player- I mean, both of you do, so uh, thanks again for the award.”

  


Nolan was a little stunned by Nico’s speech as were the rest of the attendees who were sure if Nico meant what they thought he mean of if it was because English was his second language.

  


Afterwards, they ran across each other at a private afterparty. They were still flanked by family members and teammates and couldn’t really say what they wanted to each other, but Nolan pulled Nico in for a tight hug, “I was right, you’re too good for me.”

  


“I  _ was  _ right, we make each other better.”

  
  
  



End file.
